Yesterday was our 21st wedding anniversary. What a day to stop and reflect. 365 days ago I had chosen to approach the day with excitement even though his cruelty towards me had been at a relative high for our relationship. In March 2022, I had told him that I was feeling disconnected, that I needed him to put me and the boys first and quit drinking so much. This was not a new conversation, just actually telling him that I was feeling disconnected was a new truth I finally shared. He melted. Asked if I wanted to separate. I told him no, I just wanted him to focus on us. He left. Went to his favorite drinking spot to "think". Little did I know that I would find out 6 months later that this "broke his foundation" and started his spiral into the affair.
I will pause here to say THIS IS NOT JUSTIFYING WHAT HE DID. Communication was never his strong suit and me trying to address all that I had been feeling for years while I tried to make us work, should not have been punished. However, his response to leave, and get angry sent me into my triggered response of I was wrong, I needed to do more, and the unhealthy cycle continued.
Forward to our 20th anniversary, I had custom necklaces and key chains for the occasion, and a china plate with a 20th anniversary note on it. I had also purchased an all inclusive trip for us to take. That day however, he had nothing. He claimed it was delayed. He forgets I had his email on my phone and saw when he actually ordered it. So I didn't give him the trip. I decided to hang on to it for Christmas - there was no set date, so no hurry and I was hurt. I had put up pictures and a sweet message on Facebook, his was cheesy and almost felt hurtful, but I dismissed it as me being over-sensitive. Little did I know that he would start an affair 17 days later.
So this year, I woke up in a hotel on the beach. I watched the sun rise while doing yoga and counting my blessings which included the affair. There's been so much drama in the last few days surrounding the family - probably a blog to come on that - so I definitely wanted to fill my grateful jar. I also had my monthly therapy session scheduled - we picked that morning a month ago because I didn't know what head space I would be in. Turns out I needed to talk to her for everything BUT my anniversary!
I am grateful though for the affair. I wouldn't have left even though I should have years ago. And I had lost myself; the strong, independent woman who knows what she deserves. Who won't be controlled and loves to be part of a team - not the mule, wagon and wheel. I have started dancing again, and when I was out last night one of the teachers took a moment to tell me how far she thinks I've come in such a short amount of time, and I teared up. If only she knew how self conscious I was of attracting the wrong attention when I started from years of being accused of cheating, to now not caring who's looking or what they are saying if I'm having fun. I sing. I try new things. And I am not ashamed of who I am.
Knowing this day could be hard, a couple girlfriends and I got together and held a "Trash the Dress" session. It was VERY therapeutic.
I left him a card and a book with a note thanking him for our 21 years and the affair and wishing him the best. I do truly hope he can heal his demons and become a better man for his kids, his family, and whomever he settles down with.
The shirt I am wearing - "My Ex Has Three Spirit Animals: Lion Ass Cheetah" is for sale. Black tank with white logo or white tank with black logo - $25 plus shipping. Please email lionasscheetah91822@gmail.com or fill out the form on the homepage. If you want a different shirt offering, please let me know and we can see what is available.
Today's Tip: Find ways to celebrate your worth. As this clip says - it isn't you, it was them. https://www.instagram.com/reel/CrOXkUGNge_/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
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