Dating App Hell

Today is 2 years from my last first date, until last month. I met a handsome, kind, intelligent gentleman for dinner. We had such a nice time that we went for a walk along the river after. It was the best date I had been on since my separation. At this time I just wanted to go out with someone to hold my hand, have fun and tell me I'm pretty. Little did I know, this was going to lead to a relationship. Over the next couple months, we hiked, had meals, enjoyed ourselves. He told me he was getting off the app. I waited a few weeks. I finished letting the other dates fizzle out. Then I decided that I was not interested in dating anyone else. He was patient. He was kind. He was calming for my soul. He asked questions and seemed to peer easily into my soul unlike my husband.

We had our first fight on vacation that summer. It became abundantly clear that we had a communication issue. The few times we did fight/argue, it was always a communication problem. When I found myself questioning, it was a communication problem. I worked hard to be an open book to my life, to my heart. What I never did, was find a way to get him to where he felt safe enough to open his past to me. I questioned. I tried to discuss. We would argue, and then I waited. In this period, I didn't tell him I was waiting for the things we discussed to come to fruition. I didn't keep repeating myself. I stopped communicating on the topic. I gave up because he said he didn't like repeating himself. I stopped communicating, expecting him to know that I was continually trying through my actions to get him to trust me and give me what I needed. It all came to a head when I asked him to attend my son's swim meet and he chose not to. I asked 6 times. 3 before I found out my ex-MIL and BIL would be attending with my ex-husband and his wife. I hadn't spoken to her since about a week after I found out about the affair. She was my mom. My best friend for nearly 23 years. She knew about her son's drinking problems. She knew how he hurt me. She knew how selfish he was. She told me to throw him out. She also told me when I told her that he was having an affair that I would always be her daughter. Then she promptly blocked me on all social media, my phone number, and her life. When I finally noticed, she was cold and non-responsive. And that was it. In some ways I understand needing to cut me out, my ex needed someone solely in his corner. But how you stop loving someone so coldly, I will never understand.

So I asked when I found out she was coming. Asked 2 times when he still could get time off and the third was the day before I was going. He said I didn't need him. I said I did. Luckily the first 2 days I had another mom stay with me in my hotel. I had a deck pass to take pictures. I stayed busy. I celebrated with all of my swim parents. I held my head high. I also ended with one of the worst tension migraines I've had in a long time. That evening finals my son's relay won gold. He anchored the relay and when I realized that he was winning on his last 25, I lost my mind. As they won, I realized that everyone had someone. The "kids" were celebrating with each other, families with each other, and I wanted my someone. I wanted to share a look that said, "That's my boy." I was no longer focused on his unwillingness to "protect" me when I knew my heart needed it. It was the realization that family, my family, is the most important thing in the world to me. And at nearly 2 years in, my person didn't want to be a part of it.

There were a handful of issues, but this was the core. I had asked him a few weeks earlier about our future living plans, if I should be looking for a new place near him or with him, and gotten a non-committal answer. Words and actions matched, but I was ignoring them. So, after the meet ended, we broke up. We've had a couple honest conversations since, and it is HARD, but I have to stay true to me. I am enough, and worth the effort. I cannot fix him, just like I couldn't fix my husband. They have to do the work.

So back to the dating pool - and dating app hell.