God Bless my girlfriend. The further down the mountain we got, the more I unraveled. And I can't remember what she said, just how. She was calm. She was empathetic. She was coolly outraged. All in her pajamas. This amazing friend had been texting me from her bed and jumped the second I needed her. I am so blessed.
I should pause here to say I am a woman of great faith and know HE has a plan and everything happens for a reason. She messaged me because I posted pictures from the day. I never would have just called her at almost midnight to ask her to drive an hour to get me. HE ✝️ had her awake and browsing social media to catch me. A week earlier I discovered the song, “Got Me” by Gabby Barret, Shane & Shane. I just thought it was a great song about God. I even said something to that effect on a comment my mom made when I shared it. Little did I know.
Once we got to her house, her hubby, who didn’t know what happened, had the guestroom ready and a big hug. I tried to sleep. Instead, I watched the clock. I sent texts to my siblings. I was in luck, the lawyer was up early. The sun was barely up and I knew I needed to get a written confession to adultery to legally protect my assets. My sister responded-she started her research. Goodness I love my family.
I cried, I replayed, I questioned, I BROKE. But I always said if he hit me or cheated on me that would be it. It was a firm and clear boundary. Our marriage had always been hard-those closest to me knew how hard I worked and often questioned why I did what I did and why I put up with what I did. I always answered because I loved him. He was my first and only love. The truth? That was part of it. But I also didn't want to be divorced like my parents. Like other family members. I was going to make it work. I was a winner. I wanted to be the old couple at our great grandkids wedding left on the dance floor during the length of time married dance. I didn’t want to share custody of my kids. He always told me he would fight me on custody. Not having them on the holidays over the last few months was awful, I couldn't imagine if they were little.
So the TRUTH? I picked my hard. I picked what I could live with. I can regret missing all of the lies. Lies that I can now see and prove back to early in our dating. All of the gas-lighting. Putting in so much more than I was getting. But I honestly can't say I would go back and change much. I still would have married him-I have my boys. That alone is priceless and leaves no regrets. I still would have stayed. Yes there is bad and the last 8.5 months have been hell, but there are so many great memories. And all of those experiences made me who I am and got me where I am, and will take me to where I am supposed to be.
Things to Think About When Leaving:
Your Kids.
I will probably, at a later time, write about my personal childhood experience with divorce which greatly shaped my reaction and worries. How to handle telling the kids, what to tell them, when, where, what is custody going to look like, how do you keep them safe, how do you protect them and your relationship with them, etc are all very important and individual decisions. Some are age based, some are situational. Just because you are hurt is no reason to damage their relationship with the other parent. Even if the other parent has their own issues, they are still your children’s parent and helping to damage that relationship with only cause harm to your own. If they turn their backs on you - JUST LOVE THEM. KEEP SHOWING UP. Here the help of a therapist (see below) will help you and I would advise getting your children to see someone as well depending on the situation.
Bank Accounts – Have all access, usernames, passwords-etc. Download records.
I've seen different opinions on handling, I'd make sure you have money to live on but don't empty the accounts-half, sure. I opened a new account with the same bank-I also had additional accounts already-and left a joint for he and I to pay the bills from. I stupidly (I was being too-kind originally and to the chagrin of my attorney (not my brother), gave him half of what remained in our savings after I'd just paid $10k to pave our driveway (Pushed by him)
Check and learn your state laws for divorce.
You definitely should seek legal support. But while waiting to meet-you should interview a few, (and they will interview you as well) research your options and prepare questions. For example, in VA I could only be divorced quicker than 12 months in the case of adultery. Unfortunately in my county the court backup was almost as long as just waiting it on uncontested. I also learned the judge could hand a harsher ruling and at the time I still wanted to protect him.
Change all your passwords and boot all devices that are logged in. While you’re at it, make sure you have all the extra authentication options on.
He and I shared our passwords – I had to come up with new ones to remember as I didn’t want to take the chance he would get in and do or see anything. In reality I don’t think he would have, but I had access to his (our) email a lot longer than he knew. I even told him I had it on my phone and he changed his password but didn’t kick me out. I had to remove myself.
Files-save everything-back it up as well.
Google One Drive, Dropbox, a USB drive, a new email box you’ve created just for that purpose.
Get a fire-proof safe for hard copies, important records and other things.
One that is yours and only yours. Birth certificates, marriage certificates, social security cards, divorce papers, banking information, insurance, child related documents, etc. You may also want to use it to stash your rings, jewelry and other items of value that you don’t want to see and don’t know what to do with. I purchased one with a keypad and gave my brother the code to keep so if anything ever happens to me (not as in the LAC would do something, but as in if ANYTHING would happen)
Contact a therapist and schedule an appointment – a recurring one.
Therapists will walk you through the stages of what you are experiencing. Divorce is hard. You grieve for so much EVEN IF ITS YOUR CHOICE. Use the professional resources that are available. If you find the depression/anxiety are too much and the therapist or doctor recommend pharmaceutical intervention there is no shame in it.
If there is the question of an affair, see your doctor for sexual disease testing.
*** This was much more traumatic for me than I expected. The exam itself wasn’t much more than an annual GYN visit, but I think the fact that I was having it done only ever having one partner and the why had me bawling thru the appointment. In hindsight, I wish I had one of my trusted village with me.
Build Your Trusted Village.
Not everyone is going to support you. Even if it is clear you did what you had too. But find your safe people who you can talk to. A best friend. Sibling. A friend you watched go through something similar. Colleagues. Hiding from it will not help you. But telling everyone before you are ready won’t either. You might be surprised who falls in and out of this circle.
Start Building a Music Playlist.
I live through music. I sing. I dance. I cry. Music is all the emotions. But having a go to that supports your mood, or to help pull you out of one will help. It can also be a safe space so that a random song that’s guaranteed to make you cry doesn’t suddenly pop on.
Getting Over You - songs for when you are hurt and sad
After You- empowerment, going to be fine
Hateful - angry music when you just need to get it out.
Love Songs - for when you are ready to move on and find the love you deserve
Party Music – just joy
Religious – songs that treat your spiritual self.
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