I love and hate Valentine's Day. I love telling people I love that I in fact, love them. I know it is a Hallmark holiday. I know you should tell those you love and treat them as you do every day. That said, it is a great reminder to stop and do something special, especially for those that have a hard time making the time for the important gestures. I love it to teach the younger generations about love. When a guy friend buys his daughter flowers as well as her mom, to show her "how" a man shows love, I melt. I buy my boys gifts. I make sure to tell them just how much I love them. I think I love love. That said, I'm terrified of it now. My ex-husband proposed to me the day after Valentine's Day to avoid the cliche 24 years ago. I got the "biggest" gifts from him usually on Valentine's Day. I thought I had found the love of my life. Knowing know how that love can be betrayed, and how bad it can hurt, well that's a special kind of hell. This doesn't just apply to my ex though. My dad. The man that shouldn't have loved me the best, he was even more unhealthy in his love than my ex. My ex-MIL broke my heart when she decided to cut me off with no explanation after I told her I wasn't interested in counseling for her adulterous son. I've had a few friends that broke me. At times a sibling has crushed me. And don't get me started on holding my heart together when my boys have broken it unintentionally. Yet I chose to love again and again - and I love BIG.
Why Take the Risk?
Living without love is harder than having a broken heart. Knowing your love can heal someone else? Magical. Being "fixed" by someone else's love, that's pretty sweet. Having someone love you enough to put your needs first, stand by you when you do something hard, support you in your crazy endeavors, know what you are thinking when you send a special glance their way, THAT is the type of love I want in my life.
Getting Catty
All of that said, Love YOURSELF the most. Don't love your life? Change it. Jobs, housing, friends, family, location...change it. You aren't getting the love back that you need? Leave it. Sometimes they just can't love you the way you need. I should have left my marriage long before he cheated on me. I just kept trying to make him happy. I forgot to love myself. I'm embarrassed how little I supported myself. How much of me I gave away. He is not the devil incarnate. He just took what he needed. If I was going to give more, he was going to take and take until he found my breaking point. He often told me I was too good for him. I was, but I didn't believe it. Sure wish I had.
This weekend, I had to cheer my kid on swimming his best "alone" while he sat with his wife, brother and mom. I have struggled with how he could settle down so quickly with someone new. Everyone knew he would, he actually did a lot later than all the bets had him at, but to get engaged 6 months after our divorce was final (18 from me finding out of the affair) and then secretly marry 4 months later, it hurts. We all knew he can't take care of himself. I can. I am able to make amazing friends who hug me as I teared up at the meet, text me about ridiculous glasses being worn inside,
who become hotel "roomies", who cheer my kid on as loud as I do, and I will heal appropriately so my next forever love, is the right one this time. Efforts will be equal, we will support each other, share everything, have the hard talks and make each other truly happy.
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