The first big storm of 2025 hit bringing ice and snow. I HATE being cold. I have a sweatshirt that says, "Yes, still freezing. 24:7". As I shoveled my porch and walk I found myself being upset. Mad. So many years I offered to help. Didn't mind "helping" shovel. Or do outdoor chores. Actually wished we would switch inside chores for outside. Now that I HAVE to do these chores, I hate it. I don't know if it is actually the activity or the fact that it is one of the things he did.
Shoveling, being mad about shoveling, then mad at myself for being mad, I reached in to my therapy and let myself feel. At first it was fighting missing him. That mad me angrier. Then I explored and realized it all came back to mourning not him, but the loss of the life I thought I would have.
It came again last night when I discovered I couldn't shovel the ice on the back deck. My pup had a little surgery and came back to my apartment for a break from his pals to heal and didn't want to leave me out of his sight. Again, upset. Over doing it alone. So I paused. Then started counting all my blessings. Revelling in the fact that I am able to do this all on my own and be better.
I wanted to come here to say it is ok to miss them. It's OK to not miss them. It's ok to start over and build a new dream that is even more beautiful. And when you do-celebrate like these 3, and howl in celebration.
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