As a younger girl, then as a college lady, then a married woman, I had a specific vision of what my life, and the holidays would look like. Waking up early, prepping a fantastic meal, watching the parades on tv, playing board games, visiting with both sides of my family, all together. For nearly 23 years, this is what it pretty much looked like. Then when my world changed, I had to start drawing a new map. Little did I know that the map would continue to need edited each year.
The first holiday post separation hurts. There is dread. There is hurt. But there is a glimmer of hope if you look. Hope for what a new future can and will look like. Hope of leaving the uglies of the past behind. The first holiday though, the first major change to a "normal" holiday, it is hard to see that glimmer. So I encourage you embrace and acknowledge the hurt, the fear, and the challenge, then focus on the fact that there are better days to come.
This Thanksgiving was my first year not cooking and hosting in nearly 20. Thanksgiving is MY holiday. I didn't decorate my house for fall - the decorations were buried in the storage unit. I was lacking in spirit, upset that after 2 years of this journey, I had to change this tradition. I've moved into a postage stamp of an apartment with a terrible kitchen. My friends, who for the past 6 years have celebrated at my house, invited me to join them. One son home from college, and the other who had to move in to his dad's, he had planned to spend the whole evening, until his dad informed him that he was going to "be all alone". (His new wife was working) I also wasn't invited by my boyfriend to join him at his family affair, and so he wasn't attending with me. So I chose to embrace sitting in my pjs not needing to be in the kitchen. I chose to be grateful that I have raised young men that want to do the right thing by those who have wronged them. I chose to dress up, to show up, to smile, to appreciate and enjoy something new.
My birthday was the first I was away from my boys. The oldest was in Florida for swim training. The youngest had to work. It was also the only weekend I could go to see my family in Kentucky/Ohio and my brother who flew in from California. So I packed up, my boyfriend joined me and we headed West. I got to have dinner with my twin and a bunch of family. I received quite possibly the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received from my boyfriend. We attended an ugly Christmas sweater/birthday party. My boys sent me texts. And it was a great weekend.
Now facing Christmas, after 2 years of having to be ok not seeing my boys or participating in the traditional Christmas Eve family event, my ex, without the courtesy of a heads up, has changed their plans, and is taking my young men to Pennsylvania on Christmas Day instead. My younger son has to work Christmas Eve, he works third shift, so I don't get to have a family event either. So we took my new tradition of giving gifts, 1 for each of the senses to Christmas Eve Eve (as my son dubbed it when he told me he had to work at 6pm instead of our planned Christmas Eve dinner.) I had a prescheduled vet appointment, so I threw the ham in, with instructions for my oldest son to take it out, the potatoes in the instant pot and left. Then I rushed home, with all 3 dogs (I'm "babysitting" them while their Aunt and Uncle are out of town) and we enjoyed dinner, and then gifts. We had tons of laughs. And I nailed the gifts. 21 and 19 and the joy of the surprise at an unexpected gift doesn't change from when they were little children. We are working on possibly a quick breakfast Christmas AM and then the rest of the day still TBD. My boyfriend will be coming and we will have a non-traditional and quiet dinner together. I may stop for brunch at a friend's family. Or visit with another friend's family, all depending on when he arrives. And of course, I'll be at church for one of the masses.
Not the way I expected my holidays to look, but I'm working hard to enjoy the new path and building new things that are special.
Things to Think About
How can you take what you used to enjoy the most and recreate it?
Different food to cook
Fun new tradition to carry forward
New people to celebrate with
New activities
What GOOD is in the SUCK?
Your kids are doing what is right
Your kids are getting to maintain relationships they deserve
YOU are doing the right thing for your kids and yourself, when doing something else might "feel" better
YOU can take control of your future
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