Immediately after I found out my husband of 20 years and best friend longer was cheating on me, he got on the dating apps. "Mr. Raymond" used his email, that was our email and came to my phone. The alerts went crazy. Naturally I should have removed the account, however I wanted to have additional information that could help with my divorce. And know when he was lying to me. After a bit, I did tell him, but not until I'd seen way too many so-and-so liked you emails.
It took me 3 months before I was willing to consider dating. I met the traveling nurse, my first date who just became a friend. I dated the crazy German, angry Naval officer and retire po-po turned insurance investigator. There were a few others as well. Mid-February I connected with the painter. Our first date was March 2nd at a great restaurant that abused red onion rings on a salad, and a lovely walk along the river. I was smitten and so was he. I was still casually dating a few of the above, and living by the want to date casually as I only wanted someone to hold my hand, go on adventures and tell me I'm pretty. Slowly all of the other guys were released back into the wild, and it was just my painter. He told me he was wanting to be exclusive about a month before I was ready, but finally I took the leap.
Over the next 2 years, we had great times. I learned how to fight and make up. To talk thru actions that would trigger me and send me to difficult places. I learned that I could love again. He helped me repaint my future. He helped me learn to play and have fun. Halloween was a blast - both of them! He was patient and understanding. He also was an every other weekend boyfriend. We worked opposite schedules and our kid schedules often made things hard. But we figured it out. Minus his hesitation to involve me in more parts of his life. Almost a year ago we broke up for a week after trying to discuss our future went very sideways. We communicate very differently and I blamed our misunderstanding on that. We got back together and continued plugging along. 4 months later we had another spat for me bringing up meeting his family, specifically his mom. I told him I wouldn't ask again. And I didn't. I continued to try to work on us, and focused on what an amazing guy he was. He really calmed my soul and gave me a glow.
Fast forward to now. I wanted him to join me at my son's swim meet. He didn't want to go. Then I found out my ex-MIL would be coming. First time I've seen her for almost 18 months. We've not spoken since she removed me from her life unannounced and unapologetic. I asked 3 times. Explained why I wanted support. Added in the fact that it was also the weekend when he and I got engaged 23 years ago. It was also Valentine's Day. That said, he chose work and not to take a vacation day or 2. (He had them.)
As I cheered and celebrated my son and his team having some amazing moments, I found myself cheering and realizing everyone had someone to share those once in a lifetime moments together, except me. It brought up how alone I feel in our relationship. I tried to talk about our future again with him 2 weeks prior - and had received a "let's just keep growing together and see where we go" comment. I was offering to move closer to him. However there was no movement.
So, after I got back from the swim meet we broke up. I spent 2 hours deciding what to say. I didn't get to say much of it. It was as awkward as to be expected. But quiet, calm...sad. It isn't that I don't love him, or wanted him to be my forever, it was that he was unable to follow thru on his word to introduce me to his family and stop me from feeling like a secret. All of the little things added up. And I finally decided because I want someone who is going to support and protect me when I need it.
What have I learned?
Family involvement is my number 1 need in a relationship.
I need someone who is open in communication, and not secretive about personal items. I cannot be put in a neat little life container.
Long distance plus opposite shifts is a no go.
I can open up, trust and love again.
I can survive another heartbreak.
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