Today I had a startling revelation - all because of Timehop. If you aren't aware, Timehop is an app that you connect to different apps/files that grabs and shows you pictures on each day that you've seen with the year it's dated. This has been a blessing and a curse - I LOVE seeing my boys grow over the years. Seeing GREAT moments in my history - anyone that knows me knows my LOVE of taking pictures. My boys don't even grumble {much} when I ask to take one. It has been painful as well, getting memories of our family - the 4 of us, ones with my ex-MIL and a couple others that aren't in my life anymore. I have taken time and moved pictures to albums that Timehop won't pull (I advise this verse deleting those moments as you and your kids may want to enjoy them after healing. (I have 2 Tupperware filled with family photos, wedding photos, etc that I hope to remanence over one day.)
Today, Timehop presented me with a screenshot of part of a text that my ex and I exchanged 2 years ago. He was still living in the basement of our house, 4 months after Snapchat made me snap. (Interesting that apps are leading big life moments for me-huh? God love the 2020s). Anyways, he sent me a song, Forgiveness by Matthew West, which is a BEAUTIFUL song, and instead of accepting that he was asking me for MY forgiveness, as well as trying to forgive himself, I took it in a very negative space. As you can see, I was very defensive. I thought he was continuing to place blame on me. Continuing to try to manipulate me. I actually saved the song to my playlist and regularly tried forgiving him, but did not, until TODAY, recognize that he was honestly trying to apologize for the affair, and everything that lead to it and after. I was still so hurt and angry, had such a wall up to protect the fragileness of my heart, that I extended my hurt.
I have often thought about wanting a TRUE apology from him. I have wanted him to show that on some level he understood the hurt he caused. Or that was at least trying. This screenshot today showed me that he did try to convey his sorrow, and guilt. If I'm honest I can think back to other conversations that he did say the words, but I didn't believe him, usually because it was following repeated bad behaviors and what I felt was disrespectful to me, our family, and our history. In my attempts to forgive, I avoided acknowledging what I needed to hear. I didn't hear it. I think when I screenshot this a little angel was acknowledging I needed to see this when the time was right. The time was perfect today, as we lead into next week, (see yesterday's post).
The song says, "It'll clear the bitterness away, It can even set a prisoner free. There is no end ot what it's power can do. So, let it go and be amazed, By what you see through eyes of grace, The prisoner that it really frees is you." I have actively tried to forgive. I know forgiveness is for yourself more than the other person. There isn't time in this life to hang on to such anger. Anger can protect, and fuel moving forward, but it also can hold you back. I also just realized that I couldn't force forgiveness in its entirety, and I'm willing to bet it is like grief, comes and goes. But the clarity that I received today, I hope it really does help me on my healing journey. I would encourage you to continually review conversations that the heat of the moment, your pride, your hurt may have blocked what was actually being said.
Keep growing - keep watching for signs - keep loving yourself keep moving forward and you will heal.
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