Holidays are still hard. I was beating myself up this season while acting positive, pretending I was fine. In reality, I was and wasn't. When I logically look at the situation, I know how much better off I am, even though my holidays don't look like I dreamed, or what I created for 20+ years. But being honest - my birthday was always sad. Christmas I put all the effort with very little returned. Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, just a regular day I was always feeling disappointment. One year my ex actually forgot my birthday. Gifts were kind, sometimes nice, but not genuinely about me. I could expect a gift card to some place to eat while I traveled or a massage gift certificate. Sometimes jewelry. I knew something was missing, but I didn't know what until this year. My guy had a gift bag filled with things about me. My favorite candy and snacks. A shirt with Pandas and a terrarium with 2 pandas under a cherry blossom tree. I love pandas and I have a tattoo of cherry blossom's. And the scratch off card deck of adventures in Virginia that I almost bought for him so we can continue our adventures! Then Christmas was even more little things that are ME. Boots I've been eyeing forever, a turtle necklace, a beautiful bracelet that says, "Beautiful Girl, you were made to do great things." A few things to help me stay warm. And the grand finale, a hand-painted collage of my dogs. {insert tears}
As I reflect - the only gift that has come close, that I've ever received, was from a guy friend who gave me a table mirror and said he hoped that I would one day see how beautiful I am, or something like that. I received that before I started dating my ex. When I told my guy, he said that was sad. It is. Very sad that someone I haven't known 2 years gets me better than someone I lived with for 20+.
So this year the ex changed the plans with his family out of state, and I was "solo" for Christmas. I got to take breakfast and my oldest to my younger son at his dad's house. Only for 30 minutes, I was told I needed to be out by 10am, as that's when he and his new wife would be home and need to leave. I went to my friend's mom's house for an hour before going home to meet my guy. I was annoyed as my boys ended up not leaving for almost 2 hours, precious time I could have spent with them. But, my guy and I watched football, opened gifts and made dinner. We made new traditions and I flexed. I won't say it wasn't sad to have a bunch of family and friends around. I was. I was also thankful to have this kind man taking care of me and making new memories.
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